authenticity & the "real" world

          I haven't written in a while. Well, I've started to write a few times--even written full posts, but each time it has never made it past the "draft" stage. Why? Because those words were all too real. So what is this? Not too real? Not exactly. This is me being real about not being real enough. When I write it's so easy to edit, so easy to highlight part of my story and hit delete. I think to myself: They shouldn't read that. That's not who I'm supposed to be. That will only make Christians look worse. I can't show the raw realities that coexist with the truths God is teaching me. But I can. I should. I'm a human living in a fallen world. These past few months have been a struggle for me physically, emotionally, and especially spiritually. It was a semester of fighting my body--between pain, debilitating swelling, and anxiety. I felt plagued by sickness of one kind of another. It was a semester of heartbreak as I tried once again to trust another, and was coldly dropped from my place of comfort. I felt worthless. Lied to. Like I was the object of a joke, a scam. As if the condition of my heart meant nothing to anyone else. Why should it mean anything to me? I was being selfish. I shouldn't have such high standards. It was a semester of spiritual revival and subsequently turning my back on God--wanting to ignore his voice and calling for me because I felt betrayed. He hadn't been taking care of me, protecting me, guiding me. Why would he let all this happen? I'm a nice person, I don't deserve this! Instead, it was me who hadn't been listening, hadn't been watching and waiting, I was trying to lead instead of follow.
          I've been left in a bit of a stupor trying to figure out who I really want to be and who I really want to be around. I was left numb after dealing with the sadness of being pushed away by one single guy--it just took one to avert my focus. I didn't want to trust anyone--not even God. He had encouraged me spiritually and emotionally more than a friend has in a long time. I was so thankful to have such a positive person in my life-- I knew what a gift God had given me. And then the friendship ended almost as quickly as it had started. God took away this beautiful relationship--one that finally showed me what a healthy one looked like. I was left wondering every day what was wrong with me? What had I done? Why would God show me such a good thing just to take it away? I was bitter. Towards him, towards myself, towards God. Even though I stopped persuing God, he didn't stop persuing me.
          I went to Nicaragua in March to help local schools there---but God had more in store. You see, in seven short days, I was given a new set of friends. Ones that were encouraging, genuine, caring. God wouldn't let me escape his embrace. They reminded me of who I was, who I always wanted to be for my Savior. They were there before things went wrong. They have been there since--always reminding me of God's best for my life. They keep reminding me how much it's not about me and my happiness. It's about so much more than that. And I can't possibly be God's hands and feet if I am paralyzed by this setback that was positively part of God's great plan for his glory and my good. I have no reason to be sad--God wants the best for me and loves me unconditionally. I can't possibly be angry--God wanted me to learn from this. I can't possibly give up--God knows exactly how I will use this experience now and later. It'd be easier to run away, to ignore the pain and hurt, to turn to temporary highs. But every time I do that I'm not healing, I'm only numbing myself again, putting a band-aid on deadly wound.
          Although I keep striving for someone here on Earth to make me feel like something, to make me feel worthy and important--God is showing me that humans will never be able to show me that consistently. He is the only one who will flawlessly love and pursue me without ceasing. And so I am beginning a journey towards becoming "authentic" as defined below:

au·then·tic

   [aw-then-tik]  Show IPA

adjective

1.

not false or copied; genuine; real: an authentic antique.

2.

having the origin supported by unquestionable evidence;authenticated; verified: an authentic document of the MiddleAges; an authentic work of the old master.

3.

entitled to acceptance or belief because of agreement withknown facts or experience; reliable; trustworthy: anauthentic report on poverty in Africa.

1. a. not false: I want to be my true self, and all of it--without a Christian "filter" that only creates a fascade that I have it all together--the real truth is that I am held together by One who does have it all together.
1. b. not copied: I want to be unique. I've spent the last few months chasing normalcy and fitting in. Instead I want to embrace being set apart-different from the world.
1. c. genuine: I want others to know that I, too, am a broken and imperfect human being. The difference is how I handle my heartaches, suffering, and trials.
1. d. real: I want others to see that I can relate to them. My life is real. It's not some fairy-tale. It's not bliss and happiness all the time. But joy is something that can never, ever be taken away.

2. a. having the origin supported by unquestionable evidence: I want others to know without a doubt that I am a child of the only true, only living God of the universe.
2. b. authenticated: I want to be authenticated in the eyes of God.
2. c. verified: I want to be verified, washed clean by the blood of the cross.

3. a. entitled to acceptance or belief because of agreement with known facts or experience: I want my authenticity to be evident and transparent so that every one I meet will know that I want to speak God's truth and his truth alone.
3. b. reliable: I want to be a reliable daughter, sister, friend, employee, leader, and soldier for Christ.
3. c. trustworthy: I want to come closer and closer to the trustworthiness of Christ--just as we can put our faith undoubtedly in him, I want others to trust me through my faith.

The task is daunting. It in no way sounds easy. It won't happen overnight. It won't mean that I won't struggle with all the same things. It will mean that I am becoming the person God created me to be. He didn't call me to be insignificant, timid, or to blend in. He didn't call me for mediocredity or complacency. He created me and called me to be his messenger, set apart. If I won't go and do--he'll find someone else. This is a priviledge that I've been trying to throw away, to ignore--all because of one downfall.

That being said, I am prayerfully considering some big things in my future. Scratch that, I am considering some incredible life changing decisions that can rock my world and yours. I'm excited about them. I'm excited to hear God's plans for me as I need to know them. Please pray for me as I am seeking God's will. I am still being distracted by my hurting heart, my physical frustrations, and the american life that gets me worked up more than anything. Every day is a new day. I will not be discouraged, I will not be dismayed.